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And my "trait snapshot" was: "messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous"
In other news... How long has it felt like this? Eternal and immobile? I haven't done anything in years, and I don't know how to change that, except drastically. I don't know, I'm just lost and I don't remember what day it is. I'd like to end it, but there are two people whom I pathetically would not leave if, heh, my life depended on it. And like they'd permit me.
Talked to Cookie a couple days ago (Sunday, Saturday? I dunno), and she made me feel better by distracting me, but it's not like I'm going anywhere with any kinds of talks or anything. I get into stupid fucking fights with Mom and try to find a reason to blame her, but it's not her, it's me. I cause it. Is that why I feel so terrible all the time, because everything bad that happens to me is actually my fault, because I deserve it? Maybe that's why I'm not into cutting, I don't need any more outside sources for self-mutilation.
I really do not care about my academics. My Mom is always adamant, my Dad even more so, and I wish I could say that it's because my Dad wants me to be better than him and Mom wants me to be the same as her, but it's really because they want good things for me. And I don't give a FUCK! I just don't want to be challenged or burdened or anything. And how do I tell them that, say "I love you, Dad, but I don't care." What if he's ashamed of me? Or this might be worse, because this would be far too much fuel for my self-hatred for me to survive very long, what if he insists? But I don't want him to be ashamed of me. I've seen it when he gets tired of trying to convince me of something I can't believe in. His voice sounds so exhausted and forlorn. I don't want to hear that from him. And in the instant I saw that look, I would start taking things back, lying to him just to wipe that sad expression off of his face, crying in my own shame. But they would be lies, and he has every right to be ashamed.
I don't really know what else to say. I haven't told you, and may never, but I'm so sorry, Dad. I'd change myself if I could, just so you could always be proud of me, but I don't know how, and I'm so sorry. |
