Currently Reading Cerebus, Volume 1 By Dave Sim see related

Got back from the party about an hour and a half ago.  It was pretty cool; it turned out that it was misrepresented - it was more like a gathering of sorts, and that's not a bad thing at all.

I was there along with Erik, Amy, Erin, Monica, Dave, Bill, Mike, and Erich.  I was originally going to leave with Erik at 11:30, but when I realized that everyone else was staying far later, I said fuck that, and stayed until around 3:30, when Erin left and took me and Monica home.

I had expected alcohol, but twasn't in the cards.  *sighs*

So the thing basically consisted of occasionally getting on Bill's sweet rig and playing Counter-Strike, watching Sin City, and talking.  And drinking tons of Code Red.

Found out that Dave is big into Bright Eyes, and also plays D&D all the time; I asked him to contact me somehow to see if I can perhaps join a campaign, but who knows whether or not that will fall through.  I'm so fucking busy now, with Tech Crew and guitar and gaming, that I wonder if I'd be able to fit D&D in.  Anyway, Dave's a really nice guy, with good taste.

Bill was cool, being a serious PC gamer, but when he finally logged off his PC to go to bed (he had to work in the morning), I could only go on the guest account, meaning no games.  So I made a wallpaper saying "Too Many Restrictions, Dick".

While I have nothing against Erich, he was a pretty dumb guy, and thus pretty boring to listen to.  That said, he was asleep for probably 80% of the night, so again, I can't complain.

Mike is pretty funny, don't really have any other opinions.  It was his house, and his basement is a geek wet dream.  I know, because I nearly had an orgasm looking at his tech and DVDs.

Amy left early, around when Erik left, but I've known her for a couple months.  Nice girl, though I have evidence that suggests that she might have been slightly offended when I said the word "cunt" a couple times.  I don't think she was, but who knows.  She's never warmed up to me quite as much as...

Erin, who is not only funny as hell, but very...inviting?  As in, it's been very easy for me to be her friend.  Don't really know how to elaborate, except that she has to be my favorite of the bunch.  I spent most of my time making her laugh, along with...

Monica, with whom this was my first meeting out of Tech Crew.  Cool chick, and now I know her on DeviantArt too.  She and Amy are going to Videogames Live with Erik, his parents, and I on November 12.  She's into Bright Eyes and The Faint.

Mike had two dogs, one of which was tiny and cute as hell; always happy, always rambunctious (I think its name was Orkin).  The other one, whose name I know not, had fucking HUGE balls, one of which sported some kind of nipple-like protrusion.  It was hypnotic and disturbing.

Speaking of nipples, Mike also had a mug that looked...Well, it's easier to display than explain...

It looked very similar to the image at right, except the handle was a naked woman with her back arched.

The discovery went something as follows, as we spied it upon a high shelf.

DAVE: Yeah, I total-What the hell...?
ME: What...Is that a mug...?
DAVE: Yeah, I guess...you drink through the nipple!
ME: *laughing* As it should be!

It also had some spanish writing above the nipple, but I wasn't feeling like translating.

I feel bad that Erik had to leave so early, but then again, it was kind of cool to be able to crack jokes and not have to go up against him, because we always spar.

Erin kind of annoyed me while driving me home, because I mentioned that I was disappointed with the lack of spirits, and she questioned my experience in drinking; since I don't get drunk every weekend or even every month, my responses seemed kind of lame.  But eh.  Then we went to McDonalds because she suggested it jokingly and I didn't want to go home yet.  Good sausage biscuit.

So, all in all, a good night.  I know that Monica is having a smaller party this weekend, and I'm hoping that she'll invite me, but I don't really expect it, because it's normally just Monica, Amy, Erin and Erik, so it might be unwelcome for me to intrude, and it would be rude of me to ask to come.  But, since I have Monica's email, here's hoping.  At least then I wouldn't feel so stressed on weekends, maybe.

Currently Reading Atlas Shrugged By Ayn Rand see related

Kayleigh has been not only nonhostile, but friendly and familiar with me.  It confuses me, very greatly.  However, I've also seen that she still gets icily pissed off, and is still capable of severe hatred.  Thus, if she wants to make jokes with me in Physics and keep Liza from hugging everyone in Tech Crew by sheer force of malice, so be it.  I'll be her friend, in school.  If she's upset about anything bigger than a hangnail, I'm going to tell Kira or refer her to a psychotherapist, and walk the fuck away.  I don't need her darker, more vindictive elements in my life.  I've seen firsthand how that ends, and I don't need the pain and guilt.

On a lighter element, my understanding of Duke Ellington's Satin Doll is much greater, considering I actually spent time practicing, and hopefully I can get the first eight bars to be vaguely smooth by next week.  HA!  Just kidding.  But at least now I know what the hell I'm doing.

Alex is my most boring friend...*sighs*  Yes, he has been confined to a wheelchair all of his life, which must have severely limited his social options, but I can predict exactly all his responses to any stimuli I offer in our conversations.  Jesus.  I'd think that he would have had some other friends, but I suppose that Brad can be kind of predictable too (though not nearly as much).

I spent last weekend at Erik's house, which was pretty cool.  I even went to his church, so as to keep up pretenses and good graces with his parents.  It's so fucking huge, it's insane.  Anyway, I resolved myself not to have a fucking breakdown in the middle of the night whilst at his house, and I succeeded.  Huzzah.  Although I kind of ruined his upholstery (WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE FINISHED THIS SENTENCE BEFORE YOU ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT I DID, BITCH!) because, unbeknownst to any of us, Josaiah flushed some object down the toilet before I used it, resulting in a torrential flow of vaguely dismaying fluids all over the floor.  Towels were neccessary.  It was shocking and horrific.  But it could have been worse, seeing as the bathroom is right next to the back of the TV.

I just wrote a huge fucking essay IN THIS VERY SPACE in which I ruminated on how much I need Erik, compared to how little he truly needs me, and then I realized that it was meandering and pathetic compared to my head last night.  Whatever.

I've been painting pretty flowers in Tech.  So pretty.

I have random Red Hot Chili Peppers songs in my head.  Take a look, it's on display, for you...

I think that Beki would be surprised at the amount of lyrics I give to her with sad meanings.  I don't think I would give her lyrics if they were all happy; they wouldn't be true.  Even the stories I've written for her were sad.  It's my root.  The day that she finds me with nothing to lament or repent, she can be assured that the next night, I will cry myself to sleep.  At least if I'm sad I can't get any lower.  And at least when I'm at my lowest point, it's the easiest to pull me back up.

And sometimes I just want to hurt someone, and it's easy for me to see how to hurt her.  I'm ashamed of it, but I suppose that's the point; I lash out to hurt her, and then I tell myself what a sick person I am, in order to further my black mood.  I wrote Bek the lyrics to Death Cab For Cutie's Tiny Vessels about three weeks ago, in the hopes that she would be hurt.  I'll probably give them to Beki when I next talk to her, depending on my mood.  Just so I can feel worse about myself.

I can't think of anything else.  I want to beat my wenches.  Excruciatingly, lovingly.

Currently Listening O By Damien Rice see related

Still a little bit of your taste, in my mouth,
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt,
Still a little hard to say...what's going on...

Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness,
Still a little bit of your face, I haven't kissed,
You step a little closer each day,
That I can’t say what's going on...

Stones taught me to fly,
Love taught me to lie,
Life taught me to die...
So it's not hard to fall,
When you float like a cannonball...

Still a little bit of your song, in my ear...
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear,
You step a little closer to me,
So close that I can't see what's going on...

Stones taught me to fly,
Love, taught me to lie,
Life taught me to die,
So it's not hard to fall,
When you float like a cannon...
Stones taught me to fly,
Love taught me to cry,
So come on courage,
Teach me to be shy!
'Cause it's not hard to fall,
And I don't wanna scare her,
It's not hard to fall,
And I don't wanna lose!
It's not hard to grow,
When you know that you just don't know...

That's Damien Rice's "Cannonball", which has been floating around my head today.  Sometime a while ago, I heard the song "The Blower's Daughter", which I've always liked.  I downloaded more, and then I found the CD O at my library...Good CD...

I wish my voice had better range, cuz Rice's is just crazy, the bastard.  Not like Freddie Mercury crazy, but still high enough that I wonder if someone is changing his octave with pliers under the table.

In other news, I joined Tech Crew (basically the production crew for the drama club), which is pretty fun.  It's a chance to bitch at all the stupid freshmen.

Speaking about stupid freshmen, I have to say, as does Tappy Tibbons, that WE GOT A WINNER!  This was from last year, but it still holds the grand prize.

ME:  Stop moving the fucking table, bitch.  That's right, moron.  Just get the fuck away from the fucking table.
FRESHMAN:  Shut up and go do some extra credit.

Hells yes, that was a shining moment.  Also, recently a freshman was unable to perceive the mechanic behind propping up books on a bookshelf with a single book.  Although he may have been retarded, so I can't put him in the running.  It took him about five minutes of serious effort and failure.

However, another reason I can't submit him in the competition is that Walter, a guy who sits next to me in US History, beat him hands down.  This guy is a Junior, like me.  He's also apparently brain-damaged.

WALTER:  What did you choose [for most important Constitutional Amendment]?
ME:  The twelfth.
WALTER: What's that one?
ME: It guarantees the rights of televised puppet shows.
WALTER: No way.  Really?
ME:  Yeah.  It was ratified in the 70s.
WALTER: You're kidding.
ME:  No, man.  It was actually the first time Jim Henson appeared in front of the Supreme Court.  It was really surreal seeing him in a tweed suit.
WALTER:  Dude, you're joking.
ME:  I told you, no.  Dude, look in your book.
WALTER:  *looking*  No way...
ME:  *Looking over at his book*  Oh, you must have the edited edition.

That was an actual conversation.  I was amazed - at first I thought I was the most convincing liar on Earth, until it slowly dawned on me that he was a fucking idiot.  He caught on eventually, but man, it was great.  Now he's really pissed at me, though.

Another Tyler joined Tech Crew today, though Amy (the director) said he won't be staying.  Still, I might have to kill him.  We'll see.

I had to scream that I was gay (also, "I'm flaming homosexual!", "I smoke the pole!") in order to get this annoying bitch named Eliza (or maybe Liza, not sure) to stop hugging me.  Fuck.

I have an essay to write for History...

In brief, I've seen Requiem For A Dream (fantastic movie, required viewing - I've had the overture stuck in my head since Vegas, actually), Constantine (Okay movie), Tears Of The Sun (Blah, so unrealistic in a military sense), and I'll be watching Spirited Away soon.

I'd like to talk to fucking anyone online, but Beki's of course gone, Bek is wherever, Jaci is wherever, and who knows about anyone else.

Love to the wenches, as if they're capable of reading.

Currently Reading Sock By Penn Jillette see related

And my "trait snapshot" was:  "messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous"

In other news... How long has it felt like this?  Eternal and immobile?  I haven't done anything in years, and I don't know how to change that, except drastically.  I don't know, I'm just lost and I don't remember what day it is.  I'd like to end it, but there are two people whom I pathetically would not leave if, heh, my life depended on it.  And like they'd permit me.

Talked to Cookie a couple days ago (Sunday, Saturday?  I dunno), and she made me feel better by distracting me, but it's not like I'm going anywhere with any kinds of talks or anything.  I get into stupid fucking fights with Mom and try to find a reason to blame her, but it's not her, it's me.  I cause it.  Is that why I feel so terrible all the time, because everything bad that happens to me is actually my fault, because I deserve it?  Maybe that's why I'm not into cutting, I don't need any more outside sources for self-mutilation.

I really do not care about my academics.  My Mom is always adamant, my Dad even more so, and I wish I could say that it's because my Dad wants me to be better than him and Mom wants me to be the same as her, but it's really because they want good things for me.  And I don't give a FUCK!  I just don't want to be challenged or burdened or anything.  And how do I tell them that, say "I love you, Dad, but I don't care."  What if he's ashamed of me?  Or this might be worse, because this would be far too much fuel for my self-hatred for me to survive very long, what if he insists?  But I don't want him to be ashamed of me.  I've seen it when he gets tired of trying to convince me of something I can't believe in.  His voice sounds so exhausted and forlorn.  I don't want to hear that from him.  And in the instant I saw that look, I would start taking things back, lying to him just to wipe that sad expression off of his face, crying in my own shame.  But they would be lies, and he has every right to be ashamed.

I don't really know what else to say.  I haven't told you, and may never, but I'm so sorry, Dad.  I'd change myself if I could, just so you could always be proud of me, but I don't know how, and I'm so sorry.

Currently Playing I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning By Bright Eyes see related

Saw Kinsey and Dances With Wolves today.  I liked the first a lot, and I also liked the second, but for DwW I would occasionally find a really trite scene and start sniffing the air, saying to Mom, "I smell...*sniff*...Do you smell cliche?...*Costner grabs his woman and kisses her, then rides off*...Okay, I REALLY smell cliche...".  My Mom kept fucking crying out whenever the good guys were in danger...I'm tempted to force her to watch that one scene from City Of God with the Runts just to be sadistic to her...

Also went to the beach with Jared, paraded my glistening body in front of the chicas (all of whom were no older than 7...).  It devolved into me and Jared trying to pull each other's pants down; of course I won (he pulled mine down, but underwater; I pulled his down and held him in the air; a nonvoluntary mooning of everyone at the beach).

I've been playing around with WM Recorder, some software that can record streaming video; it's really cool, I've been recording Bright Eyes videos.

I've been waiting for weeks for Jaci to contact me somehow...She finds out I'm a net denizen and tells me that she wants to talk to me on AIM and shit, and then she never goes on, and her email might be invalid.  Argh.

Anyway...Aishiteru, wenches.